Funny Opening Lines for a Speech About Caring for a Newborn

Here's some honest, real and funny parenting advice for those moments when it seems impossible to laugh and all new parents want to do is cry.

One of the questions I'm asked at least once a week is "got any funny parenting advice for new moms and dads?"

My first reaction is to laugh and respond "yes, say goodbye to your life!" but that always seems so cruel.

But seriously HAHAHA their life is over.

I'm honestly not sure of the reason I'm asked so frequently for advice for new parents.

Sure, I've got two kids, chronicle my experiences as a parent on this website and I've even written a book for new dads but I'm not sure if I'm in the position just yet to give advice.

Honestly, I don't know if any parent can really give advice. Here's why — every kid is different. EXTREMELY DIFFERENT.

So, while I can't give specific and practical advice to new parents, I can offer them (I mean WARN THEM) about many of the issues coming down the line.

All 700+ of these parenting tips could be considered funny parenting advice for new parents.

But just a warning — "do as I say and not as I screwed up."

Hopefully, new and veteran parents will find some of the advice in these notes helpful. If not, you're on your own.

Honestly, when it comes to parenting, you're always on your own! But that's half the fun.

The other half is snickering when people ask for advice.

Funny Parenting Advice About Newborns The First 12 Months

Want some honest but funny parenting advice about newborns? Here goes. You're going to feel like you don't know what the hell you're doing and that's OK.

I had absolutely no idea what the hell I was doing.

Funny Parenting Advice About Toddlers & Preschoolers The First Few Years

Want some honest but funny parenting advice about toddlers and preschoolers?

I feel Jerry Seinfeld said it best in his funny quote on parenting Having a 2-year-old is like owning a blender that you don't have a top for.

#truth

Here's more honest and funny parenting advice about raising topless blenders.

Sorry. I meant toddlers.

Read more Funny Parenting Advice About Toddlers & Preschoolers The First Few Years

Honest & Real Parenting Advice About Raising Young Kids

Here's some honest and funny parenting advice about raising young kids.

Raising young kids is much like playing golf.

A golfer can take 100 bad swings, and when all hope is lost, he nails that one perfect shot. This gets him through the next 100 awful shots.

The same rule applies to a parent. A parent can make countless mistakes and the kids can be intolerable.

Until that one moment that makes it all worthwhile.

Another similarity between parenting and golf there's a ton of cursing involved.

Real Parenting Advice Every Mom & Dad Will Appreciate

If you're looking for real parenting advice on raising kids, well, you've possibly come to the right place.

While Id never tells a person how to be a better parent there are books and videos that would do a much better job I will share my own experiences in parenting.

If any of this funny parenting advice makes parenting a little easier, I've done my job.

At the very least, it will make you laugh. Usually at me, and not with me.

Funny Celebrity Quotes About Parenting

Here is the great thing about all these parenting quotes from famous people they prove you're not alone.

They also prove even rich people have kid issues.

You know those moments when you think I have to be the only parent who has gone through this stuff?

Well, NOPE! You're not the first and you certainly won't be the last.

PARENTING ADVICE ABOUT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL KIDS AND OLDER

• Flushing Life Down Toilet Parenting Tip #300
• The End Of The School Year Parenting Tip #301
• Take Down The Fire Alarms Parenting Tip #302
• New Dogs And Old Tricks Parenting Tip #303
• Things That Go Bump In The Night Parenting Tip #304
• Youre Right (And Wrong) About Karma Parenting Tip #305
• Learn To Be A Child Whisperer Parenting Tip #306
• Keep Your Composure Parenting Tip #307
• If You Clean It, They Will Come Parenting Tip #308
• Planning Is For Suckers Parenting Tip #309
• Grocery Shopping Is One Step Above Hell – Parenting Tip #310

• Some Things Will Just Get Lost Parenting Tip #311
• The Art Of War Parenting Tip #312
• Give Them Healthy Snacking Options Parenting Tip #313
• Accidents Cant Happen Parenting Tip #314
• New Dogs Can Learn Old Tricks — Parenting Tip #315
• Help Wanted – Parenting Tip #316
• You Dont Have To Like, Like It – Parenting Tip #317
• Nothing Ever Looks Perfect – Parenting Tip #318
• War, What Is Good For? – Parenting Tip #319
• Schools Out For Summer (Or Until They Piss Me Off) – Parenting Tip #320

• The Emotional Ride Of Sleepovers – Parenting Tip #321
• Sunscreen = Torture – Parenting Tip #322
• Books Are Just Words – Parenting Tip #323
• Making New Friends – Parenting Tip #324
• A Summer Break From You – Parenting Tip #325
• Make Them Do The Things They Hate – Parenting Tip #326
• Coloring Will Give You The Eye Twitches – Parenting Tip #327
• Rain Dance – Parenting Tip #328
• Remember Your Headphones – Parenting Tip #329
• First Day of School – Parenting Tip #330
• Remember Your Headphones – Parenting Tip #331
• Buy Extra Large Storage Bins – Parenting Tip #332
• Choose The Right Wire – Parenting Tip #333
• Take Occasional Excursions – Parenting Tip #334

• Hate Is A Strong Word – Parenting Tip #335
• Invest In Glue – Parenting Tip #336
• Kid Logic Will Drive You Crazy – Parenting Tip #337
• Xmas Involves Xursing – Parenting Tip #338
• Ignore Special Requests – Parenting Tip #339
• Understand Real vs. Pretend – Parenting Tip #340
• History Lessons – Parenting Tip #341
• Hide And Dont Seek – Parenting Tip #342
• Choosing The Right Outfit – Parenting Tip #343
• Buying Cherished Memories – Parenting Tip #344
• Pretend Some Holidays Don't Exist – Parenting Tip #345
• One Lonely Daddy I Be – Parenting Tip #346
• Buy Stock In Ibuprofen – Parenting Tip #347
• No Refrain, No Gain – Parenting Tip #348
• YouTube Ideas – Parenting Tip #349
• Unreturnable Fathers Day Gifts – Parenting Tip #350
• Write Down Random Thoughts – Parenting Tip #351
• Dont Give In To Peer Pressure – Parenting Tip #352
• Meeting Your Kid For The First Time – Parenting Tip #353

NOTES ABOUT RAISING KIDS THAT WILL MAKE EVERY PARENT LAUGH

• Teach Old School Values – Parenting Tip #354
• Explore Ancient Rituals – Parenting Tip #355
• Cleanliness Is Next To Freakoutliness – Parenting Tip #356
• Do You Know What Your Life With Kids Is Missing? More Noise – Parenting Tip #357
• Instill The 5 Second Rule – Parenting Tip #358
• Dont Bother Buying Leeches – Parenting Tip #359
• Hope For Brain Freeze – Parenting Tip #360
• Lick To Your Diet. Wait, I Meant Stick – Parenting Tip #361
• Camp Crusty – Parenting Tip #362
• Keep A Strict Diet – Parenting Tip #363

• Believe In Miracles – Parenting Tip #364
• Kids Under 10 Eat Crap – Parenting Tip #365
• Maybe Kids Are Smarter Than Parents – Parenting Tip #366
• Helpful Advice For Single Dads – Parenting Tip #367
• Kids Listen Even When You're Not Talking – Parenting Tip #368
• Let Go Of Unnecessary Rules – Parenting Tip #369
• Remember The Family Evolves – Parenting Tip #370
• Family Night At The Movies – Parenting Tip #371
• Listening To Your Gut Is Important – Parenting Tip #372
• The Proven Path To Change Is Covered In Eggshells – Parenting Tip #374
• Medical Advice for New Parents – Parenting Tip #375
• Sensory Processing Isnt All In The Head – Parenting Tip #376
• Say My Name, Say My Name – Parenting Tip #377
• Every Season Thankfully Ends – Parenting Tip #378
• Honor The Dead (Toy Stores) – Parenting Tip #379
• Keeping Notes – Parenting Tip #380
• Toothbrushes Are Gross – Parenting Tip #381
• If You're Gonna Birthday Party, Birthday Party Hard – Parenting Tip #382

Parenting Tip #387 Be A Good Parent To ALL Kids
Parenting Tip #388 Focus On The Good
Parenting Tip #389 Moms & Dads Share The Good Things About Being A Parent
Parenting Tip #390 Ugh, Public Bathrooms
Parenting Tip #391 Seriously, Get Ready For Toilet Humor
Parenting Tip #392 Sick And Tired Of Being Sick And Tired
Parenting Tip #393 Stepping On LEGOs Is Painful & Unavoidable
Parenting Tip #394 Stock Up On Everything
Parenting Tips #395 #400
Parenting Tips #401-410
Parenting Tips #411-420
Parenting Tips #421-430

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Source: https://amessagewithabottle.com/funny-parenting-advice-for-new-parents/

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